En asked me to blog more often and here I am blogging. Obviously I have yet to cultivate the love or rather habit to communicate my inner life to many. (note that I mention inner life) I am an introvert, I think a lot, I draw my energy from making contact with the inner world of concepts and ideas. My inner life matters to me a lot, but seldom do I share my thoughts and feelings to people. Not that I do not like to share, but it is not the habit of many to ask questions that probe deep into my heart. Besides people come and go in your life, how deep can a conversation goes?

Perphaps that draws me close to some people.

I am writing with the understanding that people like en is interested in me.

I finally wrote her an email yesterday, updating her with my life, wanting to know how she is etc. more importantly is to let her know that I want her to be in my life. That is quite thick-skin of me. Unlike for jean and en, it took me quite a lot (mainly pride) to love her. For jean and en, I reason that though i am not that dear to them as they are to me, I can still love happily. For her, I want to protect myself from being hurt, from being to vulnerable to her. I have once blog about her, I thought I know how to appreciate and love this lady, but that is not the case. Some stuff has happened along the way, I was hurt and she may be hurt (this i dun really think so). She has seen the ugly side of me, she too has hurt me with a lack of understanding. I thought I should just not be too close to her, just stay as normal friend. Perhaps I was also selfish the way I derive this thuoght because she cares for everyone not just me, in other words, everyone is dear to her not just me. okie I know this childish and selfish of me. I logicalized. I said if everyone can still be so nice in her eyes because they are not revealing much to her, they are shy and less expressive why should i be so loving towards her, why should i reveal so much of my tender heart to her? she can do without me loving her as much as i want to. we can be normal fren. i can do without her. But you know what, thats not perfect love.

There is no fear in love. But perfect love derives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. - 1 John 4:18

I am just fearful of being hurt but i do treasure her a lot and I want to love her. unblushingly i wrote her an email and began sharing my very inner thuoghts.. without people even asking. Now i shuold teach myself not to care if i am dear to her or others are more so. i have been too pamper by jean and en. I have brought 2 sheeps for teacher's day. One I have given to jean. The other one i intended to give to her. But i thought she would be happier if I get the rest involve to write her a card and give the present together. As long as she is happy and appreciated. I have been too selfish.

If you have been reading my posts, you would realise that i write a lot about people. Sorry if you would want to know more about what i have been doing with my life because i am not mentioning much of those here. Thats just how cal works ya.